Galaxy Express: More Question than Answer.
(via juliasegal)
Anonymous Asks:
galaxyexpress Said:
Thank you for saying that I am polite. My opinion of the author of Lemony Snicket (as I remember it) from the first time that I read his books when I was 12.
‘These books are good but the author is being way condescending because he always gives definitions of all the big words he uses. I’m like I know what those words mean dude. Plus he is so sad I am surprised he hasn’t killed himself.’
Now my opinion of him as a person:
Cool dude, kind of sad. Thanks for your question.
Muppet arms dad.
SON, sits with his back to the camera eating cereal. DAD enters, he is a normal person except he has muppet arms and eyebrows. He is dressed kind of like Ernie (from Bert and Ernie)
Son:
Morning Dad.
Dad:
Good morning son.
He goes to reach for a box of cereal. He just moves it around the table with his muppet arms.
Son:
Here Dad, let me get that for you.
Muppet DAD’s muppet eyebrows become angry eyebrows as SON pours a bowl of cereal. DAD slowly and difficultly lifts his spoon from the cereal. His tiny muppet hands scatter the cereal everywhere. The spoon falls to the table. DAD and SON stare at each other in silence.
Son:
Do you want me-
Dad:
Leave it!
Son:
I was just.
Dad:
I can do it myself.
He reaches for the spoon again. DAD is focusing intensely, but the spoon still falls, hitting the table and falling to the floor. Dramatically.
Dad:
DAMMIT. GOD DAMMIT.
Son:
Dad…
Dad trys to shove everything off the table. He only manages to knock over the cereal and spill a bit of milk from his bowl. Some cereals fall to the floor.
Son:
Dad! Let me help you!
Dad:
No Son! No. I don’t want your help. I won’t let this disease hold me back.
SON:
But the doctor said…
DAD:
TO HELL WITH THE DOCTOR. Do you think your mother would want me going to a doctor? After that brain doctor caused the accident that killed her and left me a…!
SON:
A MUPPET?!
DAD slaps the SON as hard as he can across the face. The SON barely moves.
DAD:
You think you’re better than me? Just because you’re not slowly turning into a muppet?! You think I wanted this? You think I wanted to become a muppet and for your mother to die in a freak hospital accident?! GOD WANTED THIS. GOD DID.
The camera focuses on the SON for the last part of DAD’s monolouge. When it cuts back to DAD he is more of a muppet.
Son:
Dad, you need to calm down. Your condition is getting worse.
The dad runs to look in a mirror.
Dad:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
He is entirely a muppet now. He rips his shirt off and runs out the door.
SON:
Dad! Wait! Your medication!
The dad runs back in, muppet style and takes a cookie from his son. He eats it, again muppet style. And runs off waving his arms and screaming. Focus shift out to titles.
V.O:
Life Cereal. For when life gets in the way.
Spec Ad. Palmolive-SLip and Slide 2 of 3
A group of twenty somethings are hanging out in a backyard. People are barbecuing and someone gets out a slip and slide! But, it is broken. Everyone is disappointed until…
Todd Cool guy:
Wait.
Everyone turns to look at Todd. He holds up a huge roll of saran wrap and a bottle of Palmolive. Music starts playing. People spread the plastic into a slide, while others grab hoses and TODD shoots Palmolive all over the slide as a guy and girl jump down it head first. The music slows down and so do the sliders. Camera speeds back up as the sliders reach the end of the slide. People high five, the music plays quietly as people cheer.
Host:
Todd! You did it again!
TODD COOL GUY:
It wasn’t me, it was Palmolive! HA HA!
Above shot of the back yard and more people using the makeshift slide. Focus shift out to a bottle of Palmolive and titles.
V.O:
Palmolive tough on grease and handy in slippery situations.
Voice over does a cool sexual pause at line: ‘Slippery Situations’.
Many times we find ourselves looking up at the stars and wondering ‘what would life be like on other planets?’ or ‘Is my online dating profile being sent into space? And if so why have no alien babes contacted me to discuss my love of U2?’
These are normal questions, and I am going to try and provide some answers.
Aliens are probably just like us:
If there is intelligent life on other worlds they are probably a lot like humans. They will most likely have invented sports, and tacos (they will have a different name for tacos of course). They will also likely have hands, because unlike flippers, hands are great for all kinds of things like making sandwiches and giving high fives. They will also have tentacles though because I imagine that they are intelligent squids who have also developed hands.
Aliens don’t like U2:
Aliens think Bono is ridiculous. They are like ‘Why did you write a spiderman musical? What were you thinking? ‘ and I agree with them. Spiderman: Turn off the dark (also can we just take a second to think about this name? Turn off the dark? WHAT?!) was a disaster of the highest order and is actually one of the main reasons why aliens avoid the earth.
Your online dating profile is unappealing to Alien babes:
As I just mentioned, Aliens don’t like U2, this is only one of the reasons why alien babes have yet to contact you. You also listed formula one as one of your interests and on most alien worlds racing cars for sport at high speeds is very unfashionable. Nowadays many of them prefer Formula two, which is a beverage that transforms their bodies into large rocket propelled dinosaurs. It’s all the rage.
After a few minutes of confused shouting and clapping most of the models and actresses were out of Jesus’s room. He sat in his bed and wondered why he had told everyone to leave. After a few moments of deep, meditative introspection, he remembered; he had wanted to spend some time alone. As he laid in the 15 thousand thread count Egyptian cotton sheets that covered his bed he absentmindedly reached for another blunt from the stand. He was running low; he would have to tell his gardener about that. Jesus lit up and walked from his bedroom into the exquisitely decorated living room that led to his foyer and the front of his property. He trailed his housecoat behind him, the drawstring hanging from his silk gold and red boxers. He ran a hand over his hair; he was wearing it short these days. Some real lowlifes had co-opted his previous hairstyle and he had always wanted to see what he would have looked like with short hair.
Jesus walked out his front door and into his game-shed. Inside were a multitude of rifles and Jesus felt like shooting some skeet. While he was busy rooting around in the boxes for ammunition and his favorite 22, his phone rang. He ashed the blunt on a nearby shelf in the shed and walked out after grabbing his shotgun which he absentmindedly loaded as he answered.
“Hello?”
“Yo home boy what are you saying?”
It was Kanye West. One of Jesus’s closest friends, from the time that Kanye had Jesus appear on his first album’s lead single: Jesus walks.
“What it is my son?” Kanye had been vacationing in the south of France and Jesus had just gotten off of another press tour so it had been a while since they had hung out.
“Ah you know just in the States fo a minute, wondering if you want to come do this Macy’s shit with me man. Going to be a dime for shure.”
“That Macy’s Parade? Is that tonight man? I gotta be on Conan’s new shit tonight, wanted to get that shit popping off right!”
“Oh straight up my nigga, team CoCo and all that shit, but what you saying right now? Son a god must have some shit in the cooker.”
Jesus attempted to juggle the shotgun, bullets, and smartphone as he reached back into the shed to retrieve the blunt he had left on the shelf. He pointed his finger at the end which re-lit itself.
“You know it son, just having a smoke, bout to do some target shooting.”
“Fo real? You mind if I stop by?”
Later, Kanye and Jesus came back from target shooting to have lunch. Jesus’s chef had prepared a huge meal of exotic fruit and birds from around the world. Jesus ripped a quail in half and offered the other piece to Kanye.
“How you been holding up son?” Kanye looked down into his Wayfayer shades as he bit into the crisp, well herbed skin of the quail.
“Eh its been a little difficult lately man, with all that shit that went down at the VMA’s still haunting me, don’t know how the new albums gonna go over at all.”
“Shit nigga you don’t know how ‘Power’ going drop on these fools? I’ll tell you right now straight ten outta ten mayne.”
Kanye set his quail down and started into some triple stuff oreos.
“Shit man comin from you, you know that means real big and all, but its like people can’t look past the artist to the art, know what I mean?”
“Church ma fucker, you preachin to the choir. Listen I’ll say something to that Taylor Swift chick fo you. Bitch been trying to get on my dick since day one man.”
“Fo real Jesus? Nigga I can’t be asking you to bail me out every six seconds though, know what I mean?”
“Aw ain’t no thang only you and about 12 million other niggas needin me every god damn minute, I ain’t even looked at the prayer phone in weeks.”
Jesus and Kanye sat back to enjoy more of the sumptuous feast laid out in front of them. Jesus called his gardener to set them up with more blunts and they settled in for the afternoon.
“Man Kanye you know any trim we could call up in this bitch? I swear I have straight plowed through half this town, I needa meet somebody new.”
“Fo real nigga you outta dimes? Well all right then I can get some hoes up here real quick. Maybe I’ll dip on this Macy’s shit anyhow.”
Kanye quickly started calling his friends and acquaintances from around the Hollywood while Jesus contentedly puffed on another blunt, all thoughts of a quiet night in quickly forgotten. He and Kanye opened a bottle of Courvoisier and called a cab, they went downtown to grab some new suits for the night’s festivities. People ogled them as they walked down the street, becoming rapidly more intoxicated with each passing block.
tumblrbot Asks:
galaxyexpress Said:
MP3S. AND TURNED OFF ROBOTS.
Aspiring Astronauts remain oblivious about the end of the space program.
Houston Texas, a crew of blue suited men stand looking excitedly at a rocket they’ll never fly. It’s early in 2010 and already the Olympia shuttle has taken its last ever flight before retirement. So why is it still up? “We just didn’t have the heart to tell the other astronauts.” Says senior engineer Hank Malbourough. “They have trained their whole lives for this. What do we do? Just tell them to leave?” Some in the government think that would be for the best. “These guys have physics degrees for crying out loud.” States a seemingly furious Alabama state Senator Gregory Barnes. “You’re telling me they can’t do something else? Isn’t the planet supposed to be getting hotter or something? Make them work on that!” If only it were that simple; many of these increasingly older people have training that only pertains to space travel. These people and, others like them, are the result of years of childhood conditioning that turned thousands of our young people into firemen, police officers, ballerinas and ‘army guys’. Irresponsible parents fostered these desires to such a degree that today almost every job as an astronaut, ballerina, or fireman is taken. “These are fields you just can’t break into nowadays.” Franklin Murberry, a vocational therapist who works with people dealing with the disappointment of not attaining their childhood dreams.
A condition he calls Discontentinitious. “We are seeing more and more of it these days. These poor men and women who are never going to get into space are just a small fraction of people affected by Discontentinitous.” One young woman thinking of applying to the space program who declined to comment had this to say. “My mom always said if I tried hard enough I could do anything I wanted, and if I really wanted to go into space then I would do it. Now I can see what a sham the whole thing was. I wonder sometimes if she was even my mother.” NASA officials are reeling over the bad press being generated and many feel misunderstood. “Do you have any idea how much gasoline and money it takes to shoot a person into space? And really what have we been shooting them up there for; to see how ants react to being in zero g? They are ants! They float. We were basically paying glorified lab techs to build billion dollar ant farms.” Head scientist and avid sculptor Theodore T. Barnum claims that Discontentinitous is a fictional disease like “Lime disease.” He went on to say. “You’d think I personally went over to their houses while they were sleeping and spit on their hopes and aspirations. Its not our fault people don’t care about space anymore!” The question of whether or not to tell these aspiring cosmonauts the truth is one that weighs heavily on the minds of some, who worry that eventually the astronauts may go rogue and attempt to steal the shuttles to go on some sort of crazy mission to save humanity like in that movie Armageddon. While still others seem unconcerned. “Astronauts will do pretty much whatever you tell them. In space it’s a life or death thing, so you really have to listen to the people on the ground. They will totally keep doing whatever we tell them. There has also been talk of building a ‘Sub orbital’ station that would sit just outside of our offices.”
The ‘Sub Orbital Station would consist of a grounded space station for the astronauts to occupy. The state of the art facility would come complete with stars projected on every window, cold lifeless corridors and doors that seal from the outside, giving one the impression that you really are ‘trapped in the vacuum of space.’ Is this a solution to astronaut overcrowding and dealing with a small portion of Discontentinitous sufferers? Many think so, and plans are moving ahead. “We already have more than half the thing built, the trick will just be getting the astronauts into it without letting on that they are actually still on the ground.” Says Harold Mumsen, lead designer on the project. “We are going to let them sit in the space shuttle but only for a little while. They will be blindfolded, and it will sound almost the same. They won’t ever know the difference!” Whether it fools these hopeful space walkers is still yet to be seen, but the plan will go ahead and looks to be completed around 2024.
Kristian Warburton Senior Scientific correspondent.
I still like MSTRKRFT.
